


Boys don't cry

by Jecari



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 21:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21106460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari
Summary: Buck needs a hug. Eddie gives him one... and so much more





	Boys don't cry

**Author's Note:**

> First work for the 9-1-1 fandom and Buddie!
> 
> Hope you like it! ;)

Buck doesn't remember his father much. He doesn't remember what he looked or sounded like. Trauma erased the man from his memories, probably for the best. However, sometimes, things come back to him randomly; the hate in his eyes, the smell of whiskey, his words...

When it happens, he feels like a little boy again, helpless and scared, so he shakes the feeling off and puts a smile on his face. Because that's what he does. But there's one thing he can never push away, a sentence that, even as an adult, haunts him.

_ Boys don't cry. _

In his head, it's his own voice repeating the phrase on a loop when he starts to feel the tears burning his eyes, threatening to spill, but he knows those words are his father's. Most of the time the three words are enough to keep the tears at bay. It leaves him with a lump in his throat that makes it hard to swallow, but it disappears after some time. But sometimes... Sometimes he can't help it. He can't control himself, and he can't stop his tears. When that happens, he hides. He hides because he can't let anyone see him being weak. He can't have anyone think of him as a lesser man. Crying makes him weak, vulnerable, and helpless.

_ Boys don't cry. _

The words echo in his head as he sits shirtless in the locker room of the station alone, cheeks drenched in tears. It's been a rough day, long and tiring, and someone died today, someone he was supposed to help, to save. Of course, he knows death is part of the job, and they can’t save everyone, but it doesn’t make it easier. Especially when it happens because of him. He should have been faster, he should have tried harder… Guilt painfully twists his insides and makes him gasp for air as, despite the mantra in his head, his tears get more and more out of control.

_ Boys don’t cry. _

But Buck  _ is _ crying, his father’s word only making it worse. He wants to be a man, wants to stop crying, but he can’t. His eyes are burning from the tears, his head is pounding, and his skin is crawling. It’s like his brain doesn’t remember his father, but his body does. It hasn’t forgotten what he did to him when he was crying as a kid.

The memory turns Buck into a sobbing mess, gasping for air, and his hand presses on his chest, above his crazy heart. He’s relieved no one is here to witness it. He is usually more careful at work and holds the first tear in until he’s home, because he knows that once it spills from his eyes, an uncontrollable flood follows, but today, it’s just too much, too strong. So he found an excuse to stay longer than the rest of his team and stayed in the shower until the skin of his fingers wrinkled and the members of another team left the locker room to start their shift. He broke down instantly, half dressed.

Breathing gets harder, a high-pitched noise resonates in his ears, and his hands are shaking savagely, so he puts his head between his knees and keeps it there by intertwining his fingers and pressing his palms against the back of his neck and his forearms against his ears. He shouldn’t do that, he should give his lungs room to take in air, but all he wants right now is curl into a ball and be swallowed by the ground. He wants to stop feeling so helpless, so guilty. He wants to stop crying.

_ Boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry. _

The voice in his head sounds like a broken record and words blend into each other until all it sounds like is a shriek, loud and aggressive. Buck’s hands instinctively leave his neck to cover his ears, but it doesn’t help. It only makes it louder and more persistent. The longer it goes, the more oppressive it becomes; to the point Buck can’t even think anymore.

“Buck?”

Tortured by his own mind, Buck didn’t hear the door open, nor the footsteps approaching, and realizes he’s not alone anymore a second too late. He leaps to his feet and turns his back to Eddie. Of all the people who could have found him like this, of course it’s Eddie. His best friend for whom he might have feelings for. 

Buck is panting, still struggling to get his breathing and shaking under control, but he stays as still as he can, as if it would be enough to make him invisible. Obviously, it’s not.

“Buck, are you okay?” Eddie sounds worried, and Buck’s chest hurts a little more.

“I–” Buck tries to answer, but his throat is tight and his voice croaks, so he takes a second and clears his throat. “I’m fine.”

Eddie knows him, so he doesn’t believe his lie, but he doesn’t call him out either. Stubbornly keeping his back turned to his best friend, Buck feels Eddie’s eyes on him, and after a short moment, he hears footsteps as the man comes closer. Buck wants to run as far away from him as he can, but he can’t move. Besides, he has nowhere to run to, so he stays still. He doesn’t even try to wipe his tears away or hide them as he waits for the inevitable. Keeping his head down in shame, his chest swiftly and painfully moving up and down as he tries to get his breathing under control, Buck stares at Eddie’s shoes. A part of him expects the other man to make a comment or laugh at his tears, but another wants Eddie to hold him in his arms and never let go.

When Eddie speaks, his voice is soft. “Buck, what’s wrong?”

As more tears drench his cheeks, Buck finds himself unable to talk, too scared to be caught sobbing like a baby, so he just shakes his head.

“Evan…”

Buck sees the movement from the corner of his eyes. Once second Eddie’s hand is by his side and the next it’s coming closer to Buck. It’s quick and unexpected, and it brings back bad memories. Once again, Buck’s body remembers, and it reacts before his brain does. Buck flinches, takes a quick step back, and makes himself smaller. He keeps his head down and holds his sobs back, no matter how much it hurts his chest.

“I– I’m sorry.” Eddie’s voice is close to a whisper, as if he’s worried to scare him, and Buck hates it.

He likes Eddie’s loud voice when he speaks Spanish with his family or the cheerful one he uses when he talks to Chris. This worried, careful voice, though? It doesn’t even sound like Eddie, and it’s enough to make Buck want to cry harder.

Buck is exhausted, he can’t think straight and his biggest fear is becoming true. Eddie will never look at him the same way ever again, and he won’t see him as a mighty firefighter anymore. From now on, all Eddie is going to see when he looks at him is weakness and fragility. Buck has probably just lost his best friend.

Eddie clears his throat, but stays silent for a few seconds before finally talking. “I– I wasn’t going to hurt you, I just wanted to give you a hug.”

The statement surprises Buck who, for the first time since Eddie entered the room, looks up at his best friend. When their eyes meet, Eddie smiles at him sheepishly, his cheeks a soft shade of pink.

“I– I mean, you look like you could use a hug… Can I…? Is it okay–”

“Yes.”

Buck barely has time to finish his answer before Eddie’s strong arms wrap around his body, holding him tight against his own Buck melts into the comforting embrace as his own arms settle around his best friend’s waist, and he takes a deep breath, the first one since he started crying. A wave of safety, relief, and peacefulness soothes his nerves. Just like that, thanks to Eddie’s touch, the voice in his head, the panic, the shame, and the guilt are gone. It leaves Buck with so little energy that he can’t overthink it. However, he can’t deny that the effect Eddie has on him is disturbing yet comforting.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asks after a while.

Eddie’s voice makes his chest vibrate and Buck isn’t sure when he closed his eyes, but the question makes them snap open. Lost in Eddie’s arms, Buck has forgotten why they were hugging in the first place, and the question, even if it’s filled with genuine concern, brings tears back in his eyes. His emotions rush back, powerful as ever and shattering.

“It’s okay,” Eddie tries to reassure him, his hands drawing circles on his back, in what Buck believes is a calming gesture.

As much as he wants to believe his best friend, Buck can’t. It’s not okay. It’s not okay to feel so powerless, so helpless, so overwhelmed. It’s not okay to cry and be so weak.

“Boys don’t cry.”

This time, the words escape his lips before he can stop them. They are quiet and shaky, his voice tight with blame and tears he’s trying to hold back. When he realizes what he just said, Buck freezes, and Eddie’s embrace starts to feel suffocating. What helped him breathe a few minutes ago becomes a cage. Buck feels trapped and he’s choking on air. So he does the only thing he can think of: he pushes Eddie away. Buck’s hands press against Eddie’s chest and shoves him off. His friend stumbles backward and hits a locker, but his eyes stay soft while Buck’s widen. He didn’t mean to push that hard, he just wanted to breathe again.

“You- you should go,” Buck says, slumping onto the wooden bench.

Buck hears his voice waver, and he keeps his head low, his eyes fixed on the floor. He refuses to let Eddie see the fresh tears running down his cheeks.

“What? No, I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie announces.

It should be comforting, but right at this moment, he wishes Eddie would leave him alone, his presence just makes everything worse. Buck knows that if he insists, Eddie will leave him alone, respecting his wish, but the words won't come out of his mouth. He just sits here, crying silently as he hears Eddie’s footsteps approach before he feels him sitting down next to him. Neither of them says anything for so long that eventually, Buck doesn’t even know why he’s crying anymore, just that he can’t stop. And that he shouldn’t be crying.

_ Boys don’t cry. _

Having is father’s words back into his head make Buck gasps in despair. Those words, the last pieces of a past he wishes he could forget, are going to torture him forever, aren’t they? It surely feels like it.

As soon as the noise escape his lips, Buck feels Eddie’s hand on his back, gently stroking it as he moves closer to him. Eddie props his chin on Buck’s shoulder and when he speaks, his breath caresses his ear.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says again in a soothing voice, but it makes Buck see red.

He’s not angry with his best friend, he knows Eddie is trying to help him, but with himself. He’s mad at himself for so many reasons– listing them would take hours, but taking it out on someone else is easier. In addition to being weak, Buck is a coward.

“It’s not okay,” he groans, and Eddie’s hand stills between his shoulder blades. “Someone died today, and I should be used to it, but I can’t forget their face because it’s my fault. I–”

A sob cuts Buck off. Thinking those things is one thing, talking about them is different. It’s more painful, every word feels like a punch, and it makes it real. However, as much as Buck is hurting, he can’t control it, and after taking a deep breath, he tells everything to Eddie. He tells him how he should have been faster, how exhausted he is, how much he’s hurting. Between his tired brain, the sobs and tears, Buck is quite sure that he’s not making much sense, but Eddie doesn’t say anything about it, he just listens to him and massages his back.

“I need to stop,” Buck says, angrily wiping his tears away, “before you hate me.”

“Hate you?” Eddie asks, his brows knitted in confusion as Buck nods. “What for? Having a heart? Feelings? For crying?”

Buck nods again. “Please don’t hate me.”

“I– I could never hate you, Evan.” Eddie’s soft voice makes new tears escape his eyes.

“But boys don’t cry, it makes them weak,” Buck whimpers, panting, “I’m w–”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Eddie stops him, his hand leaving Buck’s back as he kneels down in front of him.

He takes Buck’s face in his hands, forcing him to look at him. Blue meets brown, shame meets compassion.

“You’re not weak,” Eddie continues, tone firm yet soft, “I cry every time I watch Marley and Me. I cry when I’m sad, sometimes I cry when I’m happy. I’ve cried so many times looking at Christopher. Do you think I’m weak because of that?”

The part of Buck’s brain that is stuck in the past wants to answer  _ yes _ , but the part living in the present, his heart, makes him say no. Eddie is one of the stronger people Buck has ever met and nothing could make him change his mind about that. Eddie could be crying right in front of him and Buck would never ever think he’s weak.

“Crying doesn’t make you weak, Evan,” Eddie says with so much conviction that Buck believes him and his heart misses a beat. “I actually think it makes you strong. It’s okay to feel bad for what happened today, but please, don’t feel bad for crying. Never feel ashamed of your emotions because they make you who you are and you are the strongest, bravest, most amazing man I’ve ever met, but you’re human, Buck. You laugh and feel and cry and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

A new kind of tears stream down Buck’s cheeks at Eddie’s words, one that doesn’t make him feel humiliation. As he lets them fall and his best friend hugs him again, Buck doesn’t feel weak. He feels loved, more than he ever has in his whole life. They stay like that, Buck crying into Eddie’s arm, until there are no tears left to cry, and even when he stops crying, Buck doesn’t feel embarrassed.

When they pull away, Eddie takes Buck’s head into his hands again, drying his cheeks with his thumbs. He chuckles as if the funniest thought just crossed his mind.

“What?” Buck asks, curious.

“I knew you were one of those people who are beautiful even when they cry,” Eddie smiles.

Buck laughs. “Did you just call me beautiful?”

“Did I?” Eddie asks, his eyebrows rising up, before walking to the door.

Buck grabs him by the wrist. “I think you did.”

Eddie lets Buck pull him toward himself until their bodies are pressed against one another and looks at him, eyes shining with challenge.

“What are you going to do about it?”

Buck squints, carefully thinking about his answer. Eddie sounds and looks like he’s expecting something, something Buck has wanted to do for a while now. But if he’s wrong about it, Buck could lose his best friend, and he’s not sure he’s willing to take that risk. However, when he looks into Eddie’s eyes, doubt vanishes.

“I think I’m going to kiss you.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, biting then licking his lower lips.

Buck’s eyes follow the movement. “Yeah.”

Buck smiles and his eyes don’t leave Eddie’s as he leans in and puts a gentle hand against Eddie’s neck, his heart beating so fast with anticipation and excitement that it might explode. Buck doesn’t know if he kisses Eddie or if Eddie kisses him, but when their lips meet, the world disappears around them. The kiss is urgent, desperate, and messy, as if Eddie has been waiting for it for as long as Buck has, and it makes Buck’s head spin. When they pull away, they’re both panting and Buck has never found Eddie as beautiful as he is right now.

Eddie gives him a quick peck on the lips before talking. “Come on, put on a shirt and let’s go home.”

Buck smiles, grabbing his t-shirt. “Eddie…” He says as he puts it on. “Thank you.”

“I know, that kiss was amazing. Let’s do it again soon.”

Eddie jokes but the look in his eyes shows Buck that he knows the seriousness of his words. He’s thanking him for being here for him, for being his best friend, for being understanding, for not pushing him away, for not judging him… Buck isn’t sure. But one thing is sure, he’s lucky to have Eddie Diaz in his life.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by the amazing[ bisexualbucks ](https://bisexualbucks.tumblr.com/) and special shoutout to [ my writing Buddie ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelSweeney13/pseuds/AngelSweeney13) for helping me and bouncing ideas with me! Thanks a lot to both of you! 
> 
> Expect more 9-1-1 fics soon, I'm obsessed haha 
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox!
> 
> Comments and Kuddos are highly appreciated <3


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